ben_jd

I've been trying to keep this bottled up, but screw it...

(Demi-Friend - A term I just made up to describe those odd people who are more than aqquaintances, but less than a friend. Like a fun drinking buddy, who you never call, and never calls you but you always bump into eachother and such)

Luckily my friends are not in general idiots. And if they were about a single subject they have since been educated by a member of our little group, we all learn from eachother, it's great.

The Demi-friends however... Dear God... Was out Sunday and Monday nights and after a few eye-opening conversation (in the shock/horror wide eyed sense), I am seriously considering going down to the pubs with safe sex posters, condoms, lube, pamphlets and anything else I can think of.. I mean...

My favourite comment of the nights was along the lines of... "It doesn't matter, I'm the top, I can't get anything too bad."

Needless to say I did make a bit of a scene having a go at him for that one... I just hope it sinks in.

What really makes me sad is that the people I'm referring to are, bar two, older than me by quite a bit.

The younger ones I can sort of understand, lack of decent (read any) homosex-education in schools and not really living through the massive Aids/HIV thing during the 80's and early 90's (too young). Not to mention the lack of any real discussion of HIV infection in this country, we have televsion ads to warn about the clap, multiple articles in papers on the rise of syphillis, and all this is good, but HIV and the Heps seem to have been brushed under the carpet or only seen in the mainstream media in the context of "The HIV epidemic in africa." Again this is good, they do need help... but people here need some too. Especially in preventitive education if my experiance is anything to go by.

But the older ones did live through it, they've seen people die because of it and they're still so fucking complacent. It was one of the older guys who made that lovely comment above. I can't understand how it's happened. Does information that can save the life of you and your partners only last 20 years in the human brain?

Second point, in 4-5 years of living here I can count on one hand how often I've seen anyone out and about promoting safe sex...

You know what screw fucking promoting it. Scare the fucktards, force them if you have to. At least they'll be alive to whinge about how it "Just doesn't feel as good."

I can't properly describe how this has made me feel. It's like a mix of disgusted with, shame of, angry with and fearful for them.

The mind well and truly fucking boggles.

Final point, I don't care if I end up making a scene again, I know I'm no Saint but when I have forgotten a rubber I got tested and make absolutely damn sure it didn't happen again. I mean if they're so thickheaded they haven't got the message by now they deserve a well turned rant aimed at their direction right?

Benxx.

(Please note when I use the term foetus in this post I am referring to when it is still not viable for whatever reason)

Stem Cell research is good. Period. As long as it doesn't cause pain to a living creature all reasearch is good. More knowledge is great. And with the added bonus of cures for a great many diseases and disabilities I say go for it.

For a while I did ponder about using foetus cells for it though. I am pro-choice, but do believe that the foetus is alive, without getting into a debate about souls I see it as a sort of... quasi-symbiotic life form until that umbilical cord is cut. So I'm in a bit of quandry being sort of Pro-Life and sort of Pro-Choice at the same time.

In the end though, this feels harsh to say but, the foetus has been aborted already, may as well use it.

Is it really all that different to organ donation?

In conclusion be careful with it (as with all bio-research), and fund it.

Never do this...

"Let's look at my wishlist, must update it for new book releases and so forth."

*goes to amazon*

"Hmm I know instead of randomly browsing or randomly searching for authors I Know what I'll do, I'll go through my ENTIRE book collection and tell amazon what I own and see what recoomendations it gives me."

*2 hours later come the sounds of sobbing from what looks like a pile of books with a cup of cold coffee just out of reach*

I am about 1/5 of the way through my books, screw it I'm getting some food.

The banks' appeal that their charges could not be assessed for fairness has been thrown out of the court of appeal with an added bonus of them saying they should not go to the House of Lords to appeal again.

Full Story -> http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7910852.stm

Some backrgound info -> http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6507865.stm

Now since my bank (HBoS) has been charging me up to £35 per item and a £28 charge each month I go over my overdraft over the last 4 years I've had this account, I could in theory be getting a nice little refund at some point in the future.

Since I'm pretty sure I fall under the category of being in financial hardship (a provision set out in the waiver issued by the OFT which allowed certain claims by struggling people/families that have been frozen until the court case is finished to be processed.) it should boost my chances of getting a settlement offer from the bank sooner.

This has made me happy since I'm still pissed off they took out £98 in the week leading up to Christmas. Bastards. Makes it worse that money went in on the same day automatically. Apparently things that are earmarked to go out, go out in a nano-second and money earmarked as going in can take hours. But that's a rant there. And I'm too busy feeling happy and mildly vindicated.

Ha. Take that Fat Cats!

Woo!

Right, the saturday after christmas me and the best friend's boyfriend went out for a night out without sed best friend.

Mainly because I hadn't been out to a rock night in a while and getting him into one is, well, impossible.

Drunken hi-jinks, music with actuall guitars in it. all in all a good night.

Ended up with us both asleep on the sofa cuddling a little. Literally cuddling, fully clothed.

Me being me (ie not a jealous minded person) failed (and still do fail) to see a problem with this.

Of course I'm sure you can guess the best friend does not share my 'liberal' views on bodily contact. Wow that makes it sound worse than it was :p.

The boyfriend gets up and goes home. I turn my phone off and go back to sleep to try and remove a frankly horrendous hangover.

A few hours later when I turn my phone back on there were some frankly less than cordial texts especially after I failed to reply to the first one.

I decided to just leave it... since the fact that me and his boyfriend do get on rather well had started to annoy him anyway, I didn't contact either of them, removing myself from the equation and letting them get on with it.

Now within 4 days they have both seperatly contacted me. The Boyfriend first and arranged a catchup drink on Sunday. And now I have a facebook message from my best friend apologising for the texts, and saying that those two had a falling out and the boyfriend mentioned we'd had contact behind his back.

Which we haven't really... bumped into him once a week after cuddle-gate and nothing until thursday when he messaged me on facebook. just making that clear.

Anyway, I'm getting this real sense of foreboding. If they do properly break up I know I won't choose between them. I'm just not wired to do that.

You know what I would probably understand this whole situation a lot better if there had been any sort of tension between me and his boyfriend.

Maybe, okay probably, it should have crossed my mind that he would not take even an innocent bit of closeness very well. But groundless paranoia just doesn't figure in my world view, at least when it comes to relationship stuff.

Regardless of me being involved or not, if he trusts his boyfriend as much as he claims to, then this whole thing should never have become a problem.

Perhaps I didn't help by just walking away from it all either.

Blah I don't know really. There's probably a lot of stuff between them that I don't know about. (And don't really care to know).

I just wonder if I can really be bothered managing the two of them. My friend's paranoia and his boyfriend tip-toeing around it. I did try to explain that hiding anything would just make it worse, but does anyone listen to me?

*Le Sigh*

I finally sort my life out and now it looks like I'm going to have to play mediator if I want to keep either of their friendships.

This is really making me want to reach for the nearest bottle of spirits.

Enough rambling.

Signing off.

Benxx.

Somehow I need to erase from my brain the knowledge that I can order takeaway online.

Damn you Pizza hut with your double Pepperoni, double cheese pizza.

Cheesy Nachos with bbq sauce and chocolate ice-cream too.

...

In my defence I've knacked my knee in again and hobbling between bed, computer and toilet is painful enough never mind going to the shop and carrying back bags of food.

Anyway. Night all. :)

Tele is on in background while I doubled checked emails before bed-time.

And what do I hear but the opening credits for Weird Science?!?!

Methinks I'm staying up and ordering a pizza.

Laters Credits are finishing.

Benxx.

You know I'm browsing clothes online. And even though I don't really wear them I found a few slogan t-shirts that make me laugh and I thought I'd share. To save your bandwidth I'll just type them in :).

Gold Digger: Like a Hooker, Only Smarter (Hive-Tees on Amazon)
You Looked Hotter Online (Hive-tees on amazon again)
Reduce your carbon footprint... stay in bed. (PLain Lazy on amazon again, oh heck they're all on amazon :P)
What Would Scooby Do? (Lush)
I Am Not A Geek Im A Level 9 Warlord (lush)
Feck. Irish Connection (lush)
Teenage Mutant Ginger Ninja (lush) <- Makes me want red hair again that one :P
I Slept with Chris Moyles Last Night (Lush again)
MMM Northern Boys Love Gravy (Lush again... man they must have nothing better to do.)

Well i need to go cook pasta bake... with that damn Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles theme tune running through my head now. Grrr

Love BenXX

++Edit++

Just to be annoying... I will not suffer alone. :D

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell
Turtle power!

They're the world's most fearsome fighting team (We're really hip!)
They're heroes in a half-shell and they're green (Hey - get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks
These Turtle boys don't cut him no slack!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (He's a radical rat!)
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (That's a fact, Jack!)
Raphael is cool but crude (Gimme a break!)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Party!)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half shell
Turtle power!

++/Edit++

I'm finally getting myself sorted out and I am extremely happy about that.

My main account has all my incoming money in that and the direct debits and standing orders to clear my debt going out of there as is normal.

But I've finally got myself a second basic account, with no overdraft, to recieve my weekly budget from the first account.

Set up a spreadsheet to mark out what goes out when, what comes in when calculates the interest on my overdraft and takes that out automatically and so on.

So I'm feeling good about doing it.

But with a monthly income of £191.80 and outgoing debts and what's set aside for bills. of just under 160 per month it is a tight squeeze. and it's making me a little apprehensive.

However if I can make it to June/July two of the debts will be cleared giving me an extra £90 per month.

About,four and a half months of some serious belt tightening has to be worth, finally, feeling more secure and no longer dreading the sound of the post being delivered.

But as I said, I am apprehensive about it. That healthy dose of determination is helping though.

Well I'm off to spend my budget on food to see if I can stretch it out to a week. And I have some multivitamins to help out on things I may miss. Shame I can't afford any nicotine containing items though.

One hand I'll be healthier, other hand I'll be hungrier and grumpier for a while :p

Anywho not going to let it get to me. I've done a good thing and I can always renegotiate the payments if it gets too bad.

So I'm happy, relieved, apprehensive, having slight withdrawal. It's a strange mix.

Benxx

First off I'm sure i'm not alone in trawling dating sites, finding a profile, liking it, reading on and then, seeing they want to have kids, recoiling in terror.

They even have how many. One guy even had names picked out. Gods I'm getting shivers thinking about it.

Secondly, on shivers. It's just a bit of snow fuckers, step carefully, drive slower, and provided you can get out of your front door it's fine. Worried about the heating bill? Grab the duvet from the bed and a cup of hot chocolate, curl up with your nearest and dearest. Problem solved and a nice time into the bargain.

Only people who have sympathy from me on the weather front are the parents wondering what the heck to do with their kids with school not open. Personally I believe paying for emergency childcare could cost near enough a days wages for me anyway, so I'd take the day off too.

As much as I am interested in, and do need to know about, the economy... I get it already, times are hard, people losing jobs, losing houses and so on. It sucks no denying that, but the media saturation of this one subject is driving me nuts. I can't watch The Daily Politics anymore and even that was touch and go thanks to that smug tory spin peddler.

*deep breath*

Thirdly, Go Mr Prez. Abought time that rebranded concentration camp was shut down.

And lastly, despite the, I'm going to say it, "Economic Downturn" , I will, all going to plan, be out of debt by October. Take that people who went on to Uni. So Nyah!

Peace out Peons.

Benxx

You know what I need?

Some sort of device that records my thoughts before I go to sleep.

Seriously that hour before I fall into dreamland is the most creativly productive hour of the day as far as thoughts are concerned.

I've had plots for novels, inspiration for a book of peotry, shit, entire philosophies concocted and then I fall alseep...

And then it all floats away.

I wake up trying to remember and I can come up with is that it had something to do with lemons.

[Insert confused emoticon here if you so wish.]

Maybe all these thoughts are dross, and I only think they'e any good in my half awake state of mind.

But I would like to know for certain.

So one of you intelligent people out there please invent a mind reading auto-pen and pad please.

I'll buy one.

Peace out Peons.

Benxx.

Just had my first night as a dialoguer.

Fucking Sweet.

(Not actually doen the job itself yet, second day of training today)

But Social side definately seems to Rawk!.

Peace out Peons.

Benxx.

Once I was awake all night due to insomnia.

And While that does still play it's part (He types at 4:42am).

I have a terrible secret urge.

I watch BBC News for 6 hours at a time.

And It's all this man's fault.



That's right, I fancy James Dagwell.

And while that doesn't sound so bad, let's try it like this...

I Fancy A BBC News Reporter.

I can't put my finger on why, but it just sounds wrong.

Horribly Wrong.

Maybe there's a support group. All of us afflicted souls getting together over orange juice and soggy cucumber sandwiches, wondering where it all went wrong.

And we can hold hands with the moira stewart fans and skip down the street into the sunset.

Or not...

Peace out Peons.

Benxx.

One day, I shall soar.
I shall be the eagle who you watch circle above.

One day I shall fly.
I shall be the falcon who hunts your lies and deceptions.

One day I shall glide.
I shall be the Angel who watches over you.

One day I shall be free.

One day I dhall be free.

One day,

Free.

I curently am playing Vnv Nation's futureperfect album at full blast.

Loving it!

"I'VE BECOME ANATHEMA OF MY SOUL!!!"

Screw neighbours.

Neighbors are boring little shites!

BenXX.

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay I will admit I am very drunk while I'm writing this. So if you don't want to read a drunken ramble stop reading NOW!...

People are shits. Full stop. Straight or gay. No-one gives a fucking shit unless you're pretty/skinny/a well known whore.

Seriously try being a gay goth dude/dudette anywhere north of leeds (not including Manchester).

It fucking sucks.

You have to 'choose' between being a gay person or being a "rocker".

It fucking sucks arse that I can't find one place where I live that will cater to the rock side of me and the gay side of me all at the same time.

So in conclusion. FUCK NEWCASTLE, FUCK YOU ALL, I'M GONNA FIND MY 'SOULMATES'.

Screw you, Fuck you, Fucking lesbians and puffs. I need to hear an ACTUAL guitar every so often.

Fuck off.

Luv BenXX.

HD ~ drunken ranting is fun :P

As a side note... The bar I'm in is plating Chrimbo songs.

IN FUCKING JULY!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

You know what, I think I'm finally starting to just be myself.

Rude, sarcastic, dirty minded and selfish.

To those who know me a little more than the usual this won't seem all that much if a change.

But I've just stopped pretending to be all the things I'm not.

Which I'm not going to list :p

Recently if a person is annoying me, boring me, or in general just doing or being something I dislike I've just made my feelings known.

In itself a good thing. This "Being True To Thyself" Shtick.

Now I just have to learn to hold it back a little in situations that warrant it.

And perfect my look of icy disdain when someone shouts "Oh look it's the matrix!" when I'm wearingthe trenchcoat.

(A: I am not a computer program... I think. And B: Originality is key people!)

Peace out Peons

Benxx.

After years of bemoaning my singleness... I have a boyfriend.

I have to break up with him.

The reason why is the reason it feels so shitty to do.

(2nd date) "You've become really special to me."

(3rd date) "I think I'm falling for you"

(A Few Days Later) "I love you, but how do you feel?, Where is this going?"


I am entirely justified for wanting to run for the hills right?

I've explained since then that I don't fall for people very quickly, and that his constant asking will not help his case. And yet three weeks later he's still going on about seriously long term stuff.

I do want a long term thing, eventually... but this fast and this intense (on his part anyway).

EEK!

Now how to break up with him, without feeling like a dick.

Hmmmmm.

Are men really as confusing as they seem right now.

Or have I lost my ability to read people.

Maybe it's because I've stopped reading body language in order to get the quick sex (Gotten scarily good at that) and am now trying to find at least a "Hey your not a bad person actually" instinct.

Well practice makes perfect...

BenXX.